Author Topic: How is everyone?  (Read 361 times)

Sunny Clouds

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Re: How is everyone?
« Reply #15 on: 22 Dec 2022 05:05PM »
Something that dawned on me after my father died...

I was thinking about an aspect of how I wished I'd done better looking after Dad.  I felt when looking after him that there was too much disrespect and unkindness towards him by some professionals and that I didn't handle it as well as I'd have liked.

Then it mapped onto something.  I believe a lot of my psychological problems arise from the fact that an aspect of my father's career relied on his ability to negotiate.  The trouble is that he didn't teach us kids how to do it.  Thus for him "I demand this absurdly high standard of you" sounding hardline was supposed to elicit "Well all I can do is next to nothing." followed by a bit of haggling and settling for a reasonable half-way, which is what he actually expected in the first place.

But as kids we all missed the point, taking it as always being expected to achieve the impossible.  I tend to want to start out with an almost pathetic "Couldn't we go for a win-win?" type approach which is great when you're up against someone that wants to achieve the same, but hopeless against anyone that wants to feel they've won or to be seen to have won.

If only Dad had taught me his skills for negotiating with hardline negotiators, it would have been win-win (!) for him and me.

Well, I can regret a missed opportunity to learn so much from a very successful man, but he paid part of the price for his behaviour.

I could give other examples, but I think that gives the point.  Our parents weren't perfect carers of us, so neither they nor we have the right to expect us to be perfect carers of them.

(This takes into account a racial stereotype I have - in my opinion, members of the Human Race are never perfect!)
(I'm an obsessive problem-solver, so feel free to ignore any suggestions or solutions I offer, even if they sound terribly insistent.)

KizzyKazaer

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Re: How is everyone?
« Reply #16 on: 28 Dec 2022 04:16PM »
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Quote
..I can regret a missed opportunity to learn so much from a very successful man, but he paid part of the price for his behaviour.

A great way of putting it - in no way should you take responsibility for a parent's failings.  That belongs to them, not you.

Monic, how did it go in the end?  (I really felt for you)   

Monic1511

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Re: How is everyone?
« Reply #17 on: 29 Dec 2022 09:53AM »
Hi Kizzy


I’m still at mums, pleased to report she is still alive, I keep telling myself- less than a week to go.
If it stops raining I will go out for a walk but it’s the west coast of Scotland so not likely.


I hope all your loved ones appreciate you all and I have to keep telling myself that it’s her choice to live here and I’m not responsible for her behaviour.


Take care
 :f_peacedove:

Sunny Clouds

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Re: How is everyone?
« Reply #18 on: 29 Dec 2022 05:09PM »
I’m still at mums...

... and I have to keep telling myself that it’s her choice to live here and I’m not responsible for her behaviour.

I'm glad you're learning that whilst she's still alive.  Whenever I regret my past, it soothes me to learn of others seeing things earlier than I did.

(A pet obsession of mine is telling local kids I know about my past life-mistakes and misunderstandings so that they can learn from them, especially in relation to bullying.)
(I'm an obsessive problem-solver, so feel free to ignore any suggestions or solutions I offer, even if they sound terribly insistent.)

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: How is everyone?
« Reply #19 on: 31 Dec 2022 09:23AM »
Well it is now New years Eve and I am finally able to sit down and write. I  have alllsorts of reasons and excuses for being so absent but will post the in the other place. I was alone for Christmas and am alone now well except for my Labrador Husky who is sleeping nearby. The cats are all upstairs including Oscar who is highly strung and the best of times and has for over a week had a sore spot in his mouth which means he kept catching the pain running away from his food dish and hissing at me. I will probably start another thread on him and his ego hahah not sure where that thought came from.

DD,

How is puppy training going and can we see a photo of said puppy? I hope you and your husband are enjoying his time off work and catching up on things you like to do as well as need doing.

Monic,

 :big_hugs: both my parents are gone so your situation is outside my experience as a daughter but your Mum wilfully moving further away from you does sound selfish and so in my opinion she is expecting way too much. Along with what Sunny and DD said I can see how hard it would to be to say No or limit help and consideration. More  :big_hugs:


Ally and Sunny,

You two help me set myself to push forward when it comes to my hearing issues and never give up. Also if I expect to have a nurse wearing a mask shouting at me I can at least settle my emotions to it being a her thing and not a me thing. The audiologists method of hearing tests can be baffling to me but then when I think about how at the age of around seven when a GP tested my hearing with a big gold watch and deemed it okay. Kind of said that my lifelong hearing issues we overshadowed by the fact my twin brother was deemed official deaf in one ear. Then again Ally's experience is proof that if the medics don't read your notes then they will shout at a deaf person like the orthopod shouted at me to walk properly. As if adrenalin, anger and fear chemicals can be a cure for permanent long lived disability pah  :f_doh:

The post has been slow here too, I got a Christmas card yesterday which was postmarked the 19th and it arrived on a day I needed a kind gesture,

Now Mr Sunshine is gone I have got rid of the big chair and have a new table. It took me until yesterday to reach the back corner of the front room and retrieve  my laptop which I am using now. It appears that I am going to have to learn to type and spell again hmmm

Lankou,

Back in my call centre days I was taught to ask open an closed questions so let me try this.

Was the cooking and eating of your Christmas dinner successful?

Everyone,

I hope the festive season has been kind to you and that you we able to make life better for yourself at least some of the time.

Love and Big hugs to you all

Sunshine