Yesterday I blew my top

[Sunny Clouds]

If you can't sleep, rest.

Thinking of you.

So far apart but take some hugs from me to bed and let them keep you company as you try to rest a bit. Maybe enough to get some good sleep, maybe just enough to not be totally exhausted, but either way enough not to be alone.

 >bighugs<

[Rosie]

I do not think I really complain much - I am me and I cope.  I have no choice, do I?  Pain?  Being allergic to most things?  Try living with a broken neck and spine where vertebrae fused and ended up with exploded spurs pressing on your spinal cord when all you can take is a maximum of four paracetamol a day, and maximum three times a week.  You have to learn to live with it.

And live with a doctor who only comes twice a week for a couple of hours, no out of hours service let alone home visits - and then find a taxi driver to come from town, collect
scrips - go back to town to find a pharmacy... 

I pay for a private medical emergency service but their doctors cannot write prescriptions.   It is take BP - check heart - here is a letter for the ER and to hell how you get there?

 Yes I get money from the National Insurance wotsit for "help in the home" but I can only find people who will work "on the black" ie cash in hand.  And that is illegal for me because I have to pay travel costs, NI insurance costs, holiday costs. etc - but no, they want cash in hand.  So it it my responsibility to pay the legsl stuff, through an agency, which means I end up paying a fortune while the NI do not know these people get paid on the black.  And even then I would legally be responsible.

So I use my "help in the home" [I suppose it is a carer's allowance] to get things done in my little rented home to help me move around.  Things as simple as strong bar grips on door frames.  There are no interior doors, most having been removed years before I came here.  But they help me.

Unfortunately they do not help cut my toenails or even cook for me - I do not have enough room in my miniscule  kitchen for a cooker.  And I only have limited spoons which I need for Tikva and  i NEED Tikva.  She is the only reason I get up each morning.

And most of the time the only one who gets fed.

And now I honestly think it is time I complained,  Or something.

But nobody will know as nobody EVER knocks on my door to see if I am OK, let alone if I need anything.

Old age is shit.  Death would be better/

[Rosie]

I do not even know what day it is.  The last think I posted said 06:55:12 AM but one says Yesterday and one says Today. 

My computer says it is Friday but my pillboxes say it is Thursday.  And the calendar I have on the wall, where I cross off each day, says today it is Thursday.

I honestly do not know which is correct or what I can do.

The beauty is that little Tikva has only just woken up at nearly 9am.  So she is happy even if I am now totally confused and worried that I am losing my marbles.

[Sunshine Meadows]

 >bighugs< you are not losing your marbles you are tired out. In terms of medicine the usual advice is that if you miss a does and enother dose is due you take that dose and dont double dose. In other words if your computer or the tv news is telling you it is Friday start the day with the morning dose of Friday pills. It does sound like you are losing time because you physical body is taking over because it needs to,

Can you eat things like protein bars or cereal bars because when I am complete stuck and know I have to eat something that is what I have?

You have mentioned there being other old people around are they friendly in terms of the neighbourrly nod thing, if they are maybe you could ask them about how they get their feet cared for.

Dogs and pets in general make such a difference in our lives and us in theirs so hugs for Tikva too  >bighugs<

[Rosie]

I know it is Friday because apart from my computer telling me I got the usual email from Chabad telling me the candle lighting time and when Shabbat ends tomorrow evening, and yes, I know I use my computer on the Sabbatb but that is my problem and I think HsShem will forgive me.

I do not eat protein bars and things like that as sugar gives the the galloping trots.  I actually do not eat much because I do not need much - salad and some protein once a day does me fine.

I am just totally exhausted due to problems next door - cannot explain but my bungalow contract is secure.  Other stuff has been causing major problems but that should not bother me.  But it dpes. But that is my problem and even though I have contract for life, there are big problems going on to get the more than you can understand. 

Everyone is friendly but I do not know them or where they live. Just from seeing them in the macolet, the little shop.  And most have live-in carers.  I have neither the money or a room for a live-in carer let alone a cleaner to come in twice a week for a couple of hours to clean .

I know it is Friday.  I have checked all my pill boxes [was worse when I had to sort out Pereg's epilepsy drugs].  And I am way out with morning, mid-morning, before eating, after eating, and night pills.  And yes, I have a load of dated and timed pill boxes.  I am a raw feeder so Tikva also has a separate pill box for her vitamins and supplements and yes, those are all up to date.

I just do not know what has happened to me.

My private emergecy service sent a doctor last evening - my PB and Heard were OK B"H but tbh I really was in a bad way .    And he gave me 2 x 5mg Valium.  Whoop de doo.  I get a permanent prescription for 30 x 5mg Valium a month for a muscle relaxant, one to take at night. 

And nobody ever knocks on my door to see if I am OK.  Nobody telephones my landline.  Nobody telephones my little mobile phone.

I could be dead and who would know?  This is a tiny detatched bungalow and who would know?

And what would happen to Tikva?  Nobody would know. 

[Sunny Clouds]

I don't have so much an 'if I were dead, nobody would know' sense as an 'if I were dead, nobody would care for any reason I'd feel they should' sense.

Living alone can be horrid, can't it.  At least, mostly what stops me going out is fear and I live in a city where people pick me up if I fall or whatever.  It can be quite funny - just before Eid, I fell off my seat on the bus, straight into the aisle, and people just picked me up and plonked me back on it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and a couple of days ago, I thought I'd be ok standing on a bus, and someone had to give me a seat because everyone was in hysterics of laughter (with me not at me) at my precariousness, wobbling all over the place.

But what have you got?  I think there needs to be something there for you, but I don't know what.  I wonder whether there's even just others in neighbouring areas with the same isolation issue where you could phone one another.  And yes, I know that theory's one thing and putting it into practice is another.

I just feel for you.  The thought of you feeling lonely and isolated and scared is horrid.  I wish I could wrap my arms round you and make you feel ok.

At least I've got a new friend.  Young Miss Ginger cat comes and lets me stroke her if I sit quietly on my doorstep, and Mrs Fox, who is happy to relax on my lawn whilst I look out of my window, seems to like Miss Ginger as well.

I wonder what new friends you could have?

[Rosie]

My door has been partially open all day so Tikva can go out and come in as she wants as she is on a 12 metre tether.

People go past but not ONE person has even called down to see if I am OK. 

This is wrong. 

If they saw me laying on the floor they would still walk past.

Why?

I have a social worker who never visits.

I can not get a take-away and although I have food in the freezer I cannot even heat it as I do not have a cooker and the microwave will only do so much. 

And all I want to do is sleep and not wake up.

[Rosie]

I have nothing to eat for the Sabbath.  I have lettuce and tomatoes in the refrigerator but do not have the spoons to stand up and wash them.  I know I have some chicken schnitzel in the freezer I can just defrost and heat in the microwave but again no spoons. 

The heat is killing me.  All air-conditioning units are on and to Hades with the lecci bill but I am having major breathing problems now - and it is sickeningly hot that it it is like trying to breathe through boiling air.

Nobody around.  All quiet for the Sabbath - and who am I going to knock on a door and ask for help? 

I know I am sick and should not be alone but what about Tikva?  I am only surviving to look after her because she is my love and my life.

It would be the same were I anywhere else, and after 32 years I will NEVER leave here.  My home.  My Country.  My little corner of this World.   

But I am so tired and I know I need to eat but there is nobody to help me and I cannot just go and knock on doors can I.                                                   

[NeuralgicNeurotic]

 >bighugs< >bighugs<

[Rosie]

I just want to sleep.  Will feed Tikva and then try to sleep. 

[Rosie]

No, no no.  I went outside in the hope that there was air and the men were going to the Beit Knesset - Synagogue, all saying "Shabbat Shalom" and I do not know what I said - probably something about it would not be a peaceful Sabbath for me.  I do not know.   

So yes, one man came back with cooked food and then another came back and said he would bring for tomorrow.

I have food but I have no spoons to do anything.  I am falling all over the place if not on my chair.   I have money food but without a cooker and too exhausted to try to cook, I might just as well - oh, I do not know what.

I am very grateful for the help I have just had - and no doubt will get - but they have all known how long I have lived here, alone, and yet none offered to help.  I do not want help like that, I just want to be acknowledged - which they all knew but ignored for so many years?

I do not need but none of them said that just knocking on my door - are you OK - would, could, maybe might be the one day that I could be dead on the floor because nobody bothered to wonder why my outside lights were still on at midday?

Why - this evening, just because I lost it again when people said Shabbat Shalom did they all of a sudden realise I am alone?  After so many years?

Tikva ate - she is now outside as it is a bit cooler but when she comes in it will be crate, little bikkie, and I will have to to to bed.

Sleep is only what I pray for.

[NeuralgicNeurotic]

Rosie >bighugs<

To me it sounds as though you need a break. I know it's pretty sickening that the community in which you live has ignored you for so long, but might it just be awkwardness, and them not really knowing how to approach or help you? Sometimes people do have strange ideas about disabled people, and think that we might be offended it they try to help and get it wrong.

If your neighbours want to help you now, I'd say let them. It won't compensate for all the time you've had to spend struggling alone, but at least you will be getting some badly needed support at a time when you're clearly at the end of your tether.  >hugs<

Thinking of the future, does the macolet sell any ready meals that might be sutable for you, or could they order some in for you? Do you have a microwave oven? When I'm alone, it's a life saver. Other things I find useful are 'Mug Shots', little instant pasta or noodle meals that require only boiling water, a cup and spoon to sort out. Same with Cuppa Soups. I also have stocks of 'Build Up', a chemist's own brand version of Complan, which you just add to milk, as well as nuts, seeds, dried fruits etc. I can keep these in my room for times when I'm in too much pain, or too low on spoons to make it to the kitchen.

I sometimes resort to an old mountaineering recipe for no-cook meusli, using porridge oats, nuts, dried fruit, some sugar and dried milk powder. It can be stored for ages in an air-tight container, and used for emergencies. It just requires clean water to be aded to the mix, then left to stand for 20 minutes to 'cook'. It won't win any Michelin stars, but it's a really good memrgency energy food.

Sorry, probably none of the above was useful. I just wish I could be there to help you.  >bighugs<

[NeuralgicNeurotic]

Speaking of old mountaineering recipes, Wayfayrer meals are self-heating, ready to eat meal packs used by outdoorsy types when on long treks. The packs begin to heat as soon as they're ripped open. They are very pricey (around £4.00 a pop), but have the advantage of being available through Amazon for home delivery. If you feel they'd be suiable for you, they might be handy things to have around for emergencies.  >hugs<

[Sunny Clouds]

Rosie - is it possible that you put  on more of a face than you realise?  I thought I was terrible at it and on a day recently when I felt ghastly and just wanted to cry, I put on such a face without realising it that a friend I met in the street said I sounded really cheerful.

Maybe you show how lonely, in pain, and struggling you are a lot less than you realise.  Maybe there's also a cultural thing?  I don't know where your various neighbours come from - Russia some of them? - but the British have something of a reputation for being stiff-upper-lip and what we think is obvious to the world may be anything else to people from a different culture.  Don't forget that people in lots of countries think we're totally weird for doing things like apologising when people bump into us.

Maybe if your neighbours are starting to help, it's an opportunity to let them see through that mask, to see that that neighbour who seems to cope so magnificently in her old age with her disabilities and her lovely little dog actually needs help and someone to keep an eye on her?

Gosh, I sound like I'm lecturing you, but since I can't walk up your drive and knock on your door to check up on you, it's the next best thing I can do.

As it is, I had a call yesterday to say that a friend of mine was found on the floor a few days ago and is recovering nicely and will be home soon with some extra help, but what she doesn't yet realise is that I'm going to be round there soon interfering with ideas for things like floor-level alarms and allsorts - plus a ticking off for not letting me realise how bad her health had got. 

So this is your ticking off from me for not making sure your unthinking neighbours realised ages ago they'd got a job to do, to show respect and help to their elder.

Oh, and here's a hug from me to say thanks for reading my diatribe.

 >bighugs<

And a big pat on the back for a certain furry companion.  Thanks for helping Rosie, Tikva.

[Rosie]

You all know I live on a religious Moshav although it is not an ultra-Orthodox one.  It was founded by the Jews who were thrown out of Djerba, Tunisia, after WWll when they were no longer needed as slave labour.  I know but most people, if they know about the Holocaust, only know about Germany.  Who knows about anywhere else?

No, we do not have any Russians here and all of the old people still speak North African Arabic.  And even now as new homes have been built they are for the children/grandchildren of the original people who came here.  I am one of the very few outsiders.  They all know me I have been here so long.

No houses [bungalows] really that close - I only know people I see at the macolet.  Nobody knows how disabled I am - I mean they see me in an electric wheelchair with always a smile on my face.  I do not know where they live - the Moshav is spread out.  But they know me.  And they are not close neighbours as there are no close neighbours.

But I have been told who gave whoever permission to use my back yard as a dump and he does not even live near me.  He should care?  He has a live-in carer to look after him and I do not even have a social worker who will answer the telephone?

NN - I do not know about Wayfarer meals.  Maybe some major supermarkets have ready meals but I can not get out.  OK that is psychological but I could never leave Pereg because of her epilepsy and now I just can not except to the macolet from where I can see my home.

And my doctor does not know because she does not listen on the rare occasion I can get to see her.  She even asked why I was using an electric wheelchair as it was not in my notes.  Neither  does it say I have double incontinence due to spinal cord damage.  Cauda Equina Syndrome.  NOT IN MY NOTES therefore it cannot be.  Forget the fact that I have letters from hospitals with test results.   If it is not in my notes then the money I have to spend on pads and stuff are my imagination. 

I do not complain.  I smile when I see people, but why do people walk past - look in if the door is partially open for Tikva but never bother to call  and ask if I am OK when they do not see me?

And if the door is closed and the outside lights still on a midday - does that not show something is wrong?

Maybe they are waiting for the stench of death - but they would not smell it would they.