Author Topic: Silly joke thread.  (Read 158709 times)

Rosie

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #15 on: 27 Jan 2012 05:34PM »
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,  "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)
 
 
 
 
 
 




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 

Save the world - it's the only planet with chocolate

wheelydad

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #16 on: 28 Jan 2012 09:11PM »
 An old gentleman walked down the road, carrying a length of 2" by 1" timber over his shoulder, to make his wife a clothes prop.
A little boy asked him, "are you a Pole-vaulter?"
No, young man said the old gentleman, "I am German, but how did you know my name is Walter.

Sunshine Meadows

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #17 on: 29 Jan 2012 08:42PM »
 >lol< >flying<

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #18 on: 29 Jan 2012 09:44PM »
Dear Mr. Cameron,
 
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
 
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
 
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
 
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
 
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:
 
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
 
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
 
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
 
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
 
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
 
It can't get any easier than that!
 

 
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
 





 Also………..
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
 
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.
 
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.
 
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
 
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.
 
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.
 
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
 
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.
 
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.
 
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.
 
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
 
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
 
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
 
Think about this (more points of contention):
 

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #19 on: 30 Jan 2012 05:02PM »
Italian Cruise Ship Jokes:

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?   -
On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   -
Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   -
Follow the captain.


When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied -
"Off course."


So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock -
That's more than can be said for his ship.


What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? -
Nothing. The bottom has dropped out of both.

Rosie

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #20 on: 03 Feb 2012 06:41PM »
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking  through her knicker drawer & finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit & a police womans uniform he finally decided.....

 if she cant hold down a job, shes not for him.
Save the world - it's the only planet with chocolate

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #21 on: 06 Feb 2012 09:16PM »
> Subject: Fw: This sums it up -  Enough said
>
> Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.
>
>  Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
>
>  Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
>
>  10 Commandments - 179 words.
>
>
> Gettysburg address - 286 words.
>
>
>  US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
>
>
> US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.
>
>
>
> EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.

 >lol<  >lol<



KizzyKazaer

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #22 on: 13 Feb 2012 08:49PM »
What you might call a sign of the times there  >biggrin<

Three nuns have been behaving so exceptionally well that one day the Mother Superior says to them, 'Look, sisters, you have all been so impossibly good lately and for that, I want you all to go out and do something bad for a change'.

The first nun comes back and says, 'I robbed a bank.'

The Mother Superior says, 'That's alright, dear, just take a sip from the holy water now'.

The second nun returns and says, 'I stole a car'.

So again, Mother Superior says, 'That's alright, dear, just take a sip from the holy water.'

The third nun appears and says...

...'I peed in the holy water'.

stalwart

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #23 on: 12 Mar 2012 03:41PM »
Just received this

Travels with myself

I have been many places but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognises you there.

I have however been in Sane.  They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there.  I've been there many times thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you haved to jump and I'm a bit too unfit.

I've been in Flexible but only when I had to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable and I seem to go more often now.




Richard_D

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #24 on: 12 Mar 2012 04:44PM »
Italian Cruise Ship Jokes:

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?   -
On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   -
Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   -
Follow the captain.


When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied -
"Off course."


So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock -
That's more than can be said for his ship.


What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? -
Nothing. The bottom has dropped out of both.

Thanks for that, now my rib and face muscles has gone spasms. >love<
July 2017- Autism Spectrum Condition.

seegee

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #25 on: 29 Mar 2012 01:44PM »
Not-so-smart hare (hope the link works, it was posted by a not-so-smart oucher)...

  http://bl154w.blu154.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=4167efb9-6115-403a-a72a-6f7ca9cc7f18&Aux=0|9|8CEDBC04265F300||0|0|0|0||53&maxwidth=220&maxheight=160&size=Att&blob=MHx0b3J0b2lzZSArIGhhcmUuanBnfGltYWdlL2pwZWc_3d

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #26 on: 29 Mar 2012 08:44PM »
Hi,

That link wants me to join hotmail.

seegee

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #27 on: 30 Mar 2012 09:19AM »
Sorry about that auntie - I don't seem to be able to copy the picture outside the mail program (no idea why).

It consists of 2 drawings of a tortoise & a hare.
The tortoise challenges the hare to a race in the first picture, saying "First one home wins", to which the hare replies, "Deal!".

In the second picture, tortoise has retreated into shell, & hare stands saying, "Dammit"...

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #28 on: 30 Mar 2012 11:48PM »
 >lol<  >lol<

Richard_D

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #29 on: 01 Apr 2012 05:51PM »
A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit. The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible" he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it".

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road! Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished! He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can.

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It read: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair - Adds Permanent Wave."
July 2017- Autism Spectrum Condition.