Author Topic: Silly joke thread.  (Read 155731 times)

Yvette

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Silly joke thread.
« on: 16 Nov 2011 05:25PM »
An Aussie blonde arrived at Heaven's Pearly Gates where she was met upon arrival by a concerned St Peter.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
 
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
 
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
 
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
 
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
 
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?' 
 
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
 
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
 
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
 
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
 
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
 
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 
 
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
 
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
 
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
 
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
 
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
 
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
 
And he walked away shaking his head.
 
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 
 
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. 
 
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
 
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
 
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
 
'It's Andy..'
 
'Andy?''
 
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
 
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. 
 
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How on earth did you arrive at THAT answer?'
 
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'
 
And the blonde entered Heaven...
 
 
And what's worse .. You're now singing it to yourself .......   >lol<
 
« Last Edit: 11 Feb 2014 11:54PM by SunshineMeadows »

Hurtyback

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #1 on: 17 Nov 2011 10:38AM »
"And what's worse .. You're now singing it to yourself "

Arrrggghh, you're right   >veryangry>

 >lol<

bulekingfisher

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #2 on: 20 Nov 2011 12:09PM »
Hello Yvette

About Waltzim Matilda 

bulekingfisher

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #3 on: 20 Nov 2011 12:22PM »
Hello Yvette

About Waltzin a Matilda at home I've got a music box in the shape of a Kowla bear + when you wind it up it play's Waltzin a Miltilda + an Austrailan woman posted it to me after meeting me here in York 15 year's ago. This is'nt any thing to do with a joke but it is Waltzin a Mitilda  >biggrin<

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #4 on: 23 Nov 2011 09:17PM »
Stanley.

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.  After his talk he offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all  Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley?"

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #5 on: 23 Nov 2011 09:20PM »
Cougar Dreams:

A guy ended up with an older woman at a club last night and thought she looked pretty good for a 50 year old. 
 
They drank a bit (well more than a bit) and had a snuggle and then she asked him if he ever had a "Sportsman Double?"

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh!" he said, as his mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't."

He wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and thought if she took after her mum she must be pretty hot.
 
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink "Tonight is your lucky night." 
 
We went back to her place.
 
We walked in.

She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs…
 


"MOTHER, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"

Richard_D

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #6 on: 23 Nov 2011 09:34PM »
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.

"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !
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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas

10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!

9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!

8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!

7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!

6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"

4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.

3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.

2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!

1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"
July 2017- Autism Spectrum Condition.

auntieCtheM

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #7 on: 18 Jan 2012 10:06PM »
Banned from Sainsbury's
 
Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my Bengie and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.  I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #8 on: 25 Jan 2012 02:26PM »
Good one Auntie!!    >lol< >lol<

Yvette

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #9 on: 25 Jan 2012 02:27PM »
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
 
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
 
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

KizzyKazaer

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #10 on: 27 Jan 2012 02:10PM »
Gotta love the logic in that one  >biggrin<

KizzyKazaer

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #11 on: 27 Jan 2012 02:21PM »
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...'




Sunshine Meadows

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #12 on: 27 Jan 2012 02:47PM »
 >lol< >lol< >lol< >whistle< >lol<

I enjoyed all the jokes so far  >tah< >thumbsup<

Prabhakari

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #13 on: 27 Jan 2012 03:59PM »
SNORK!
Bless 'em all, bless 'em all,
The long and the short and the tall.

Hurtyback

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Re: Silly joke thread.
« Reply #14 on: 27 Jan 2012 04:05PM »
 >lol<  ROFL